Hello and welcome to my first blog post. I am in my mid twenties and excited to start this post. In this blog, there will be many personal stories. Things I haven't shared with some of the people closest to me. I feel like this will be a great way to be able to share my thoughts and feelings anonymously without hurting anyone.
My life has not been all rainbows and sunshine. I was born in a somewhat happy family at first but a couple years after, my parents decided to divorce. It was messy and complicated, there was abuse and lost relationships. My dad moved away, while I lived with my mom and siblings . Later, both my dad and mom, met the loves of their lives and got remarried. Due to that, I have a very mixed family (step-siblings, half-siblings, adopted siblings, and blood siblings) all of whom I consider to be completely my siblings and I love them all very much. Life didn't really get much easier after that. Physical and mental abuse was a part of the rest of my growing up as well. What saved me was leaving my home for a time and focusing on becoming an adult. That for me is when I realized, my past doesn't define me and it doesn't make me unworthy of love. Most importantly, my past was not my fault. That's something we all need to remember, our past does not define us. Some of us have to recover from our childhood, but that does not make us any less of a person than someone else. That is what I hope, who ever is reading this, will be able to learn from this blog. Now, I am happily married to the love of my life and working on our future. Life has changed for the better but I still struggle and you’ll learn that from these blogs.
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You deserve better!While I’m sitting here getting ready to start the day, I have a couple of thoughts to share with anyone who wants to listen. Rough days happen. Sometimes you don’t get the answers you want, sometimes situations happen where others hurt you and sometimes it seems like everything hits the fan at once.
I’ve been having some health issues and trying to work through them for the two months, I’ve seen doctor after doctor. Still no answers. Still in pain like I have been for the past couple years. It’s hard not to think I’m making this up in my head when in reality there’s something seriously wrong and it just hasn’t been found yet. Don’t ever think your feelings aren’t validated. They are just as important as the next persons. From these past couple months, I have felt loved and hurt. It’s crazy that those who you think are the closest in your life turn out to be quite the opposite. And those who you didn’t think cared have really stepped up their game and been there for me. There have been more people than not who I have felt so loved from, felt cared for and felt important, it’s sometimes hard in the world today to find those awesome people. There are also people who have made me feel insignificant, unloved and unwanted. If anyone has ever made you feel that way remember, it’s not you it’s them. Don’t ever let anyone who makes you feel that way think they can get away with it. It does not matter if they are family or friends. Everyone deserves to be treated with Christlike love. No one deserves to ever, ever feel unwanted and unloved. No one ever deserves to cry on their pillow at night because of actions or words that have been said to them. And most importantly everyone deserves to be loved. You don’t need to set yourself on fire to warm others. This is something that’s taken me some time to learn but sometimes people don’t respect you. It doesn’t matter who they are, you deserve love and respect. You deserve to have people in your life that lift you up not tear you down. You can set boundaries with people who have crossed the line. And you deserve it. No matter what people have said, you deserve better. There’s someone who needs to hear this today because it’s something I need to hear all the time. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you don’t matter or unloved. Those people are not worth your time. No matter who it is, whether that be family, friends, peers, classmates, coworkers or bosses, don’t bother with them until they learn to treat you with the respect you deserve. My darkest timeI think so much of life is consumed by social media and how perfect a peers life is. We don’t see the full picture. We only see what people want us to see. We only see the great side. So when we struggle with depression or another mental illness or anything, it’s hard to realize that there are others who have similar issues. This past week, I felt for the most part, alone. Even surrounded by people it felt like no one else understood what I was going through. Such as my depression. It’s so easy to forget about those who also have similar issues as you because you can’t see it. All you want to do is lay in bed and cry. A few days ago, I opened up to my close friends about my depression. It was hard, it was scary. Some of my friends didn’t even acknowledge it or seem to care. That was really hard and painful. But I had so much more amazing responses and support than I ever thought. Friends opened up to me about their mental illnesses and how they cope. It was nice to realize that I’m not alone and there’s so many people who are willing to help. But you have to open up and be willing to BE helped. When I was in high school, I went through what I call my “darkest time”. I felt alone, unwanted and forgotten. There were many reasons why I felt that way. But I won’t get into them this time. But nothing seemed to help me get through that dark time. The thing that did save me was God. After I went down to my room, alone and bawling my eyes out. I prayed and I felt this warmth come over me, and I felt like arms wrapped around me and embraced me. I heard the words “you are not alone. You are loved. Don’t give up.” That’s the only thing that saved me in my very dark time. So whether it’s God or not, find some way to get yourself out of to your darkest time. We need you here, you are loved and you are wanted. Boundaries and relationshipsHere’s a little story of my day yesterday. It was almost spot on (identical) from my last Tuesday. It felt like a freaky Friday thing going on but last Tuesday gave me a lot worse news.
I went to my counseling appointment, which literally changed my mood from grouchy to pumped for the day. I was able to talk a lot of my issues out and I was ready to start the day. From counseling I am learning my self worth and learning how important it is to set boundaries with the relationships you have. Even when it hurts others. And sometimes it’s okay to think about yourself and your happiness verses someone else’s. While in counseling I got a text from someone very close to me apologizing and wanting to put a situation behind us from last Tuesday. But at the same time, still blaming me and thinking they weren't at fault. Once again boundaries people! I thought about that text for a long time because I didn’t want to say anything I would regret and there was no winning in that situation. So I moved on for a little while and went on to my doctors appointment. My health issues were finally answered! It was a relief. I was so nervous there would be something wrong with my reproductive system that when the doctor told me there was nothing wrong with that part of my body and I could easily get pregnant, I started bawling. I felt this weight lifted off my shoulders at that moment, knowing that I didn’t have to worry about that. And the health issue I did have was in fact correct. The doctor I saw last week was just trying to scare my symptoms out of me. And tell me that I would rather have something wrong with my reproductive system. The doctor handled it very poorly and put me into a state of depression that took over a week to get out of. But my very trusted doctor was amazing and knew exactly what my feelings were and gave me much peace. This is a reminder that sometimes doctors are mistaken. Sometimes doctors make life hard and sometimes doctors are amazing and save your life. If you think there is something wrong with your body, you go to doctor after doctor until you receive an answer because you deserve it. Okay so now what you all have been waiting for, that dreaded text. I was on a high when I got out of the doctors so I texted that person and said thanks for the apology but there are still issues we need to discuss. That was the gist of it. And after a while, and of course when I was alone, that person texted me back and said that they just want to drop the situation. And then told me I’m not discussing this anymore. Like that was going to resolve anything. That of course made me very upset. I told that person that I had the right to my feelings just as much as they did. And then told them my feelings even though they didn’t want to hear it. As many situations like this go, that person did not take it well at all and cut me off from their life. Quite literally. And as matter of factly as they could. I then told them they would regret it. They tried to fight back and I told this person to stop messaging me. Not once, but twice because they wouldn’t stop fighting with me. With that situation, I say, has something like that ever happened to you before? I’m talking someone close to you, like a close friend or family member. (Because that is who that person was to me). If a person ever chooses to walk out of your life, let them. I know, it sounds crazy but you should NEVER have to fight for someone to stay in your life. You should never have to lower your self worth to make someone else happy. You should never have to change your boundaries to please someone else. Your feelings should never be pushed aside because someone’s too blind to see past their pain. Many leaders (including leaders of my church) have discussed the difference between showing Christlike love and getting beaten down. Leaders and role models have stated that you do not have to stay in a situation that will lower you. You can walk away and love that person from afar. When someone you love chooses to walk away, just remember sometimes that is on them. They chose to do that, they chose to stop fighting and it may have been the best thing in the world for you. Don’t be sad, pick yourself up from the bathroom floor you’ve been crying on, reevaluate your situation and make yourself a better you. And show those who push you away that you are better and happier without their toxic energy. When I woke up this morning I wasn’t sad or upset that I may have lost a close friend but I remember how special and loved I am by so many other people. That’s what it’s all about. As you lose loved ones, just remember those who stick by you when it’s hard are the ones who will change your life, for the better. When I’m feeling down or upset and I feel like I’ve lost so many people, I make lists of the people who are still there, the people who have been there through the dark times, those are the people who you need to focus your energy on. Then make another list of all the great things that happened that day, you don’t even know how much that will help you. AuthorI am an aspiring blogger. I am in my mid 20s and happily married. ArchivesCategories |